By Lee Jin Hee

Jin Hee is a summer intern at Skillseed and a rising senior at Yale-NUS College, where she was a peer counselor. Majoring in philosophy, she likes to ponder about the purpose of existence, feminism, and climate change.

Cover Illustration by Lily Padula on The New York Times.

“Most people never listen.” - Ernest Hemingway

When is the last time you felt heard? I mean, properly listened to, as though the listener was genuinely interested in what you had to say - not about the weather, some work-related project or the last Manchester United win. Have you recently been able to share something important to you in a safe, nonjudgmental space? And in turn, have you provided a listening ear to someone else? I am sure I’m not the only one who has experienced people scroll through their phones during conversations because they can “listen to you at the same time!” or a friend talk about themselves immediately after you share something deeply personal. 

You may have heard it said that hearing is not the same as listening. Hearing or passive listening merely involves sound waves bouncing off your eardrums. You recognize that there is something being thrown at you, but you don’t really process it. In contrast, active listeners direct their full attention to the speaker and listen in a nonjudgmental way. When Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson first developed the concept in 1957, they believed that active listening was integral to the growth of the individual’s self-image and positive relationships; people who are actively listened to become more emotionally mature, more open, and less defensive. Though active listening was initially discussed in the context of counseling, the value of active listening in everyday conversations and interactions is becoming increasingly acknowledged. 

So what does active listening look like in conversations? Here are some key characteristics of an active listener: 

  1. Active listeners demonstrate that they are listening through nonverbal cues. 

    Most likely, you feel more encouraged to speak when someone nods at what you’re saying. We pick up nonverbal cues, such as nodding and leaning forward, as signals that the listener is paying attention to the conversation. Studies show that we nonverbally mimicry each other subconsciously, particularly those we like. Subtly reflecting back the speaker’s body language or posture is probably a sign that you are keenly observing. 

  2. Active listeners provide affirmative feedback.

    Like nonverbal cues, short verbal affirmations (“mhm,” “I see,” “right”) can also help the speaker feel heard. In addition, you can try taking your listening skills to another level by paraphrasing, summarizing, and reflecting back what the speaker is saying without necessarily adding your opinions (“So what I hear you say is…” or “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you are feeling…”). This gives the speaker time to think back on what they have just shared and confirm whether you have properly understood it. One research suggests paraphrasing in conversations act as a kind of “tacit endorsement of the speaker's message” which may increase the sense of closeness or immediacy between the listener and speaker. 

  3. Active listeners defer their thinking and judgments.

    Do you ever catch yourself trying to come up with what to say next while you’re listening? Most of us are very uncomfortable with not having an immediate reply at hand; we want to fill the silence with words. Sometimes, it’s very useful to come up with responses in seconds (debaters may relate). But more often than not, people just want to be heard, rather than to hear your advice. It’s okay to not fill every second; be comfortable with holding silence. Remember that one of the key tenets of active listening is non-judgment. This does not mean you have to agree with everything the speaker says. Instead, active listeners make the speaker feel as though they are trying to help rather than win an argument. 

  4. Ask open-ended questions or suggestions

    In the spirit of nonjudgement, active listening can be as simple as switching out yes-no questions with open-ended ones. For example, instead of asking, “So are you feeling sad about your dog being sick?” try “How did you feel when you heard that your dog fell ill?” By inviting the speaker to elaborate through such open-ended questions, active listeners communicate that they don’t assume how the speaker thinks/feels, but rather are sincerely interested in hearing more from the speaker. 


Ultimately, active listening is more of an attitude than a technique. Going through this checklist without a genuine interest in the speaker is just performative, and note that the speaker can tell the difference. Borrowing from Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson, active listening is about conveying the idea that: “I’m interested in you as a person, and I think that what you feel is important. I respect your thoughts, and even if I don’t agree with them, I know that they are valid for you. I feel sure that you have a contribution to make. I’m not trying to change you or evaluate you. I just want to understand you. I think you’re worth listening to, and I want you to know that I’m the kind of a person you can talk to.” Whether in chatting with someone in an online comment thread or face-to-face, in encountering testimonials of a survivor, or even in living amongst our nonhuman friends, the same principle of humility and compassion applies. Needless to say, some circumstances call for arguments and tough conversations, but not every conversation has to be a debate.

Participants practising active listening skills in trios at a training workshop conducted by Skillseed

Participants practising active listening skills in trios at a training workshop conducted by Skillseed

At Skillseed, we believe that active listening is a skill that is essential not only to community engagement work, but to all facets of our personal and professional lives. On an individual level, active listening helps build empathy and trust for each other, while validating the emotions and protecting the self-esteem of those who are listened to. On an organizational level, great listeners make for great teammates. When team members listen more, they become much more willing to incorporate others’ views and introspect their own ideas.  Finally, active listening is key to community engagement. In the work that we do at  Skillseed, we often engage with both local and overseas community partners. We realise from ground experiences that sometimes, the first step to effective community engagement is to put ourselves in the shoes of our stakeholders to understand their needs, concerns, and possibly their fears and hopes. Thus, our role as partners is to first actively listen, deferring our own judgments on what we may initially think is best for the community. We are then better primed to work together with our community partners as co-drivers to design sustainable, dignity-promoting community projects.  


Skillseed offers relational communication training for students, corporate workers, or anyone who is interested in honing their leadership and community engagement skills (or simply better social skills) in order to build more empathetic, mutually empowering, and sustainable relationships among different stakeholders. For more on Skillseed’s training programs, click here.

Comment